Understanding One's Own Self Can Be Depressing
It's been two months since I've last written!
Time flies... but productivity hasn't. =(
Well since the last posting, the biggest news would probably the fact that I've finished the required courses for my marketing certificate.
But what have I done since then?
Well, understanding myself as the title says. But what I've discovered doesn't exactly make me too happy. Instead, it's been only the opposite...
This whole process of learning about myself is not finished, and never will as long as I'm alive. But for now, I've looked back to my past and my reactions are usually "Why did I do that?!" This is not really a good attitude I know, as it reveals the hint of regretting the past. This is one thing i don't want to be, but can't help it. That isn't the worst part of all this... the worst part is that I've found that many of the foolish things done in the past are also done in the present! Is this changable? I certainly hope so! But because of all this, I've found myself to be less and less confident.
It is at this point that I was reminded to look ahead. Who reminded me of this? Well believe it or not, a video tape on Pope John Paul II! His old friends had described him as one that always look ahead. Great... so what's ahead for me? Well I won't go too far in the future, cause I can't. What's in front of me at the present is blocking my view. At present time, I face a mountain that I must climb.
I've always wanted to learn mountain climbing, but until I do learn it, I don't know how to climb mountains! It's a health hazard for me!! But still, this is one that I have no choice but to climb. What's the name of this mountain? I don't know... but usually it's called "career". Yes, all this imagery is just a long way to say I must face reality and make a living.
Things should be easy right? I've got a university degree from a "getting better" university, a pretty good program, and amazingly remembers over 50% of what I've learned, plus the recent success in completing a marketing certificate in 8 months.... *sigh* if only it is as easy as it seems! I've been taught all the things needed to start a business, run a business, and sell products. But I still don't feel the "fire" or the "passion" burning in me yet. The past few months have been full of research and preparations. Was it just my way of hiding the truth of laziness and inertia? I sometimes think so. "So change!" you might say... well I have. Progress have been slooooooooow... I'm starting to feel like a sloth! (The lazyest and slowest animal on Earth.)
So what's the progress I've made? Well after trimming down all the things those books say one usually have to do before they start a business, I'm at the point of putting finishing touches. But as this new "ship" is built and ready to sail, I face the next problem... I need something to power this ship! But I don't know how to get it! In the past few months, this ship has been upgraded with some new technology to make it more capable in the rough seas of commerce, but compared to the other "ships", it's still too too far behind.
It is at this pretty critical moment before I prepare to launch this ship, I get suggestions from people who I really care and listen to tell me to leave the ship for now and be a sailor on someone else's ship first, cause you're not ready to be a captain. In the beginning, I sorta ignored these suggestions, cause I believed this was a path God wanted me to go. But recently I've been hearing a lot from different people. I'm starting to question is there a change in plans that God wants me to go? But after months of hope building, and efforts in preparing this new ship for launch... at the point when it can launch, I'm told to leave it... walk away from it... it's very hard!!
But as I write this and I look back upon all this and think back to what many successful people have said as they looked back on their experiences, I am starting to know what they mean when they say support from friends and family is very important. This may be part of the disappointment I've been feeling, as I feel that I'm going to have to climb this mountain on my own mental support. The reason why we need support from friends and families is because they usually provide us with a reminder of our goals, as our own thoughts are continually shaken and swayed by the temptations of the devil. The devil would tempt us towards something that seems good, as we work toward it, he may make it so we fail and he'd be over joyed, while we cry in grief. The way I see it is, it's me against the comments and lack of confidence of from the world around me. I think at this point, only by thinking this way, can I really push myself and support myself on this endeavour. My friends and familiy have their very valid points, and I do buy into it. But I really can't just drop and go away at this point. Not anymore... So this leaves me with supporting myself, as my life seems to always have been, ever since life felt it was time for me to learn solitude.
I would think I can do it by now... but as I understand myself more, I've found that as my life moved away from the "pride and joy of the family" days in the baby years, to the harsh reality of this world, the more I've longed for those attention and support. Ironically, my past and present always become opposite of each other. Looking back at the testimonials from friends that have known me from the past, I see my present self a "shadow of my previous self".
There's actually a reason for my writing of this today. It is because exactly 2 years ago today that I officially finished my years of studies and stepped out to face the cruel world. In simplier terms, it was 2 years ago today that I got my first degree. Will there be more days like that? I don't know. But what I do know is, look back on the past 2 years, I've learned a lot. All seem to help me with the lauching of this "ship" and bringing me to the mountain of a task that I must now face. I don't know if there will ever be a "top" on this mountain, but all I know is that I must climb. If I don't, I will always be living in the shadows of my previous self, and look upon myself as a forever failure.
Can I reclaim the once confident and ambitious person I was in the past? Will this ship launch and survive the rough seas? Hopefully after writing this entry, the answer to both questions would be a definate - "Yes".
Time flies... but productivity hasn't. =(
Well since the last posting, the biggest news would probably the fact that I've finished the required courses for my marketing certificate.
But what have I done since then?
Well, understanding myself as the title says. But what I've discovered doesn't exactly make me too happy. Instead, it's been only the opposite...
This whole process of learning about myself is not finished, and never will as long as I'm alive. But for now, I've looked back to my past and my reactions are usually "Why did I do that?!" This is not really a good attitude I know, as it reveals the hint of regretting the past. This is one thing i don't want to be, but can't help it. That isn't the worst part of all this... the worst part is that I've found that many of the foolish things done in the past are also done in the present! Is this changable? I certainly hope so! But because of all this, I've found myself to be less and less confident.
It is at this point that I was reminded to look ahead. Who reminded me of this? Well believe it or not, a video tape on Pope John Paul II! His old friends had described him as one that always look ahead. Great... so what's ahead for me? Well I won't go too far in the future, cause I can't. What's in front of me at the present is blocking my view. At present time, I face a mountain that I must climb.
I've always wanted to learn mountain climbing, but until I do learn it, I don't know how to climb mountains! It's a health hazard for me!! But still, this is one that I have no choice but to climb. What's the name of this mountain? I don't know... but usually it's called "career". Yes, all this imagery is just a long way to say I must face reality and make a living.
Things should be easy right? I've got a university degree from a "getting better" university, a pretty good program, and amazingly remembers over 50% of what I've learned, plus the recent success in completing a marketing certificate in 8 months.... *sigh* if only it is as easy as it seems! I've been taught all the things needed to start a business, run a business, and sell products. But I still don't feel the "fire" or the "passion" burning in me yet. The past few months have been full of research and preparations. Was it just my way of hiding the truth of laziness and inertia? I sometimes think so. "So change!" you might say... well I have. Progress have been slooooooooow... I'm starting to feel like a sloth! (The lazyest and slowest animal on Earth.)
So what's the progress I've made? Well after trimming down all the things those books say one usually have to do before they start a business, I'm at the point of putting finishing touches. But as this new "ship" is built and ready to sail, I face the next problem... I need something to power this ship! But I don't know how to get it! In the past few months, this ship has been upgraded with some new technology to make it more capable in the rough seas of commerce, but compared to the other "ships", it's still too too far behind.
It is at this pretty critical moment before I prepare to launch this ship, I get suggestions from people who I really care and listen to tell me to leave the ship for now and be a sailor on someone else's ship first, cause you're not ready to be a captain. In the beginning, I sorta ignored these suggestions, cause I believed this was a path God wanted me to go. But recently I've been hearing a lot from different people. I'm starting to question is there a change in plans that God wants me to go? But after months of hope building, and efforts in preparing this new ship for launch... at the point when it can launch, I'm told to leave it... walk away from it... it's very hard!!
But as I write this and I look back upon all this and think back to what many successful people have said as they looked back on their experiences, I am starting to know what they mean when they say support from friends and family is very important. This may be part of the disappointment I've been feeling, as I feel that I'm going to have to climb this mountain on my own mental support. The reason why we need support from friends and families is because they usually provide us with a reminder of our goals, as our own thoughts are continually shaken and swayed by the temptations of the devil. The devil would tempt us towards something that seems good, as we work toward it, he may make it so we fail and he'd be over joyed, while we cry in grief. The way I see it is, it's me against the comments and lack of confidence of from the world around me. I think at this point, only by thinking this way, can I really push myself and support myself on this endeavour. My friends and familiy have their very valid points, and I do buy into it. But I really can't just drop and go away at this point. Not anymore... So this leaves me with supporting myself, as my life seems to always have been, ever since life felt it was time for me to learn solitude.
I would think I can do it by now... but as I understand myself more, I've found that as my life moved away from the "pride and joy of the family" days in the baby years, to the harsh reality of this world, the more I've longed for those attention and support. Ironically, my past and present always become opposite of each other. Looking back at the testimonials from friends that have known me from the past, I see my present self a "shadow of my previous self".
There's actually a reason for my writing of this today. It is because exactly 2 years ago today that I officially finished my years of studies and stepped out to face the cruel world. In simplier terms, it was 2 years ago today that I got my first degree. Will there be more days like that? I don't know. But what I do know is, look back on the past 2 years, I've learned a lot. All seem to help me with the lauching of this "ship" and bringing me to the mountain of a task that I must now face. I don't know if there will ever be a "top" on this mountain, but all I know is that I must climb. If I don't, I will always be living in the shadows of my previous self, and look upon myself as a forever failure.
Can I reclaim the once confident and ambitious person I was in the past? Will this ship launch and survive the rough seas? Hopefully after writing this entry, the answer to both questions would be a definate - "Yes".
posted by Admiral at
4:38 PM
|
1 comments
